wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass