America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent