some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
#CatsOnTwitter
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
2022 be like
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”