Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas