When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*