[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.