If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.