To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.