Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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Okay me first
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
🥶🥶🐶🐶
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
KFC hitting the cannibal market
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!