TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
sleeping beauty
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.