waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Finally!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
それは草
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.