Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.