Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*