Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The Compass
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: