The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*gets down on one knee*
this is the best day of my life
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.