“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
@funTweeters
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them