I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
the official breakfast of 2021
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
adding to the discourse
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air