Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
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8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve been drinking.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things