[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
You Might Also Like
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.