children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Ugh
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.