damn he’s good
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*pokes sex life with a stick
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.