[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
This probably isn’t good