*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”