Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.