[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower