(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Mood.. 😂
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized