Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
A family that plays together cheats.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks