me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
You Might Also Like
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.