Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Good Morning.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*