My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab