Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“our sushi is very fresh”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.