WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.