My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
It do be feeling this way.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER