Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
incredible text to wake up to
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I think they could have phrased this better
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆