Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep