Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.