Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled