Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
You Might Also Like
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.