*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.