*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
So, can we agree on 4 or
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?