A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door