imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”