PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.