Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
channeling her this year
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.