I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
When news reporters do sports stories
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.