Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
👾👾👾
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife