[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market