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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
me refusing to leave twitter