I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?