Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
🤣😂
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Worst bar ever.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper